I'm Coming Out

Today is the day.

I realize that for many, myself included, blogging has fallen a bit to the wayside. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, SnapChat, etc. make instant connectivity possible and we spend less time putting thought and precious moments into our written feelings. I also realized, as I was trying to express to my oldest daughter the virtues of journal-keeping the other day, I had become a hypocrite. When was the last time I had sincerely recorded my history, factual, emotional or otherwise?

So, here I am again.

And here I admit, to what few readers I may have left, but moreso for myself, I am depressed.

I admit it. In black and white. I suffer from clinical depression and advanced anxiety. I have for over a decade and a half now.

This winter has been, at the risk of sounding extreme, brutal for me. SADD tore at my mind daily. And every day, as I battled to get out of bed and do what had to be done, a small part of my heart clung to the grateful blessing that is my children, because if it weren't for them, I plain and simply would not have gotten out of bed. Forget showers. Forget food. Forget everything. Bring on the sleep. And sleep. And sleep forever. Forget it all. Just sleep until I die.

For those of you I have horrified, I do apologize. I do try to keep things upbeat. But I am slowly starting to come to the conclusion that more and more people out there are truly suffering. And one of the ways we can nurture, bless, and succor each other is sharing our own hardships.

I don't share this today to garner pity. Please, please, please keep your pity. I have no need of it. I do not seek sympathy or attention. If anything, I ask for understanding, because I am sure that more than once I have unintentionally hurt feelings due to my condition. Mostly I share this because it is so hard for me to do so. And I keep feeling that God wants me to do hard things. So, I continue to scrape away my pride to share my true self, even though I grew up thinking that was the last thing I should do. I'm realizing more fully that the ugly is what makes me human, and learning to acknowledge, understand, and master my humanity is the point of all of this. There is no true honor in swallowing it down, hiding it away, and pretending it isn't real. Finding the ability and reasons to smile through it all is where the glory is. Not in smiling because you are putting on a show and acting like the shadow of darkness has never crossed your door. God frowns on falsehood. And how does acting like you've got it all together when every. single. thing. feels like it is falling apart bless you or anyone else? Inspire growth? Empower change? It doesn't.

{Note: I'm not an advocate of the "woe is me" attitude. I'm not saying air your dirty laundry for the whole world to see. I'm not saying when someone asks how you are, you open up with a torrent of hardship and drown the kind inquirer in your sorrow. But, I do feel that we, as a world family, should share our shortcomings and pains when we feel prompted to do so. While my blog is public, I feel my readership is small enough that this is an intimate enough forum to share what I have shared. Furthermore, I feel there must be someone out there who needs to read this. Just please know I am not saying that all wounds should gape open for all to see. I'm just saying, let's be a little more realistic about our humanity, and be willing to share ourselves a bit more freely, so we can gain further love and true understanding of each other, and help each other overcome.}

Opening yourself up for judgment is scary. It hurts to yank aside that curtain of prideful showmanship that you have masterfully and painstakingly kept hiding the icky corners and the unsightly gashes of your life. Especially when that veil of deceit is one of your most polished accomplishments. It can be agonizing. It has been, and continues to be agonizing. I feel like I'm bleeding inside typing this. However, I keep punching these keys, because of a young woman I helped over a year ago by sharing some facts about my life I never thought anyone else would ever know. She has since moved away and we didn't spend a lot of time (in calculated hours) together when she lived here, but we are bonded for life and beyond now. She came back a few weeks ago to visit family, and she sought me out specifically in the few moments she could spare to throw her arms around my neck, tell me she missed because, because she "just had to." She is my sister, always and forever, bound together through shared pain and understanding. Not because I seemed to have my life altogether together. Because I allowed myself to show her that she isn't alone. She isn't weird. She isn't evil because she is having hard times. Because I tore back the curtain and let her look. She is my sister forever now. And I will always cherish that sacrifice I made to gain that relationship.

So, to those who trudge through the sludge of the every day, or feel like your very soul is being torn at by the slinky hands of hell, I feel you. For those of you who squirm inside every time you have to make a phone call, or would rather hide somewhere in a dark room than attend a public function, I get where you are coming from. Those of you who have bits and pieces, or even long chapters of your life of which you feel pained and ashamed, and wish you could erase, that tear you open again with a simple memory, I have been where you are. You aren't alone. And, most importantly, you can get through this. I know this, because I know that feeling. I know this, because I am getting through it. I know this, because you, like me, have a Savior and Redeemer who understands every. single. thing. you go through and can lift you up no matter how low you sink. I know this, because time after time, when my pride keeps me caught in the trap of thinking I'm unworthy, or that I have to fix myself first before I present myself to Him, or I just am too [expletive] tired to live one more day....He is always there when I decide to look up one more time. This gift isn't for a select few. This gift is for every single one of us. The whole world, beginning to end, was faced, challenged, lifted, and overcome by Jesus Christ. He did that. He can lift you. He wants to. He suffered and died so He could.

I know how the adversary twists things to make us think we are somehow strong because we never let anyone, including our Savior, in on our pain and trials. But let's face it, that's just plain asinine. Of course Christ already knows. He saw it all. Felt it all. Beat it all. Whatever particular rhetoric your personal demons use to keep you from your Heavenly Father and your Brother, Jesus Christ, put down the poison. I know...It feels like oxygen. It feels like if you let go to the one thing you can "control," you'll just shatter into a million pieces and never recover ever again. But it's not true. For one thing, when we let those lies bind us, we are being controlled by guilt, or fear, or pride, or insecurities....we do not own or control ourselves in any way. We are slaves. On the other hand, we have the promise that all things will be made perfect in Christ. No matter the myriad lies the serpent dishes out. He's just a petulant little liar with too much time on his hands and thirsts only to bring you down because poor baby didn't get his way. If you shatter in the process of giving over to the Savior, or even just feel like you will, He will pick up all the pieces and put them back together again. Stick with Him, and you will find joy you never knew was possible. What is even more cool? That joy is Jesus's why; the reason why He did all He did. So we don't have to suffer and just barely bear this life. That is not what He wants for us. That is not the design. The design is for us to take the Hand of the One who knows, sees, understands, and fixes all, let go of the lies of this life, and just be free.

We run around trying to balance, carry, juggle, and fix so many things on our own, no wonder a vast majority of us are medicated. If you believe Christ, you know He is the Physician. He doesn't say, "Fix yourselves and then I will love you." He always teaches from the principle of "Let me love you, and we will win this life together."

No matter what you are fighting, for I know we are all fighting something, you are still ok. I promise. You have not been written off. You have not been abandoned. Only hell understands that type of response. God the Father doesn't leave His children behind. Not ever. So don't give up on Him. He never gives up on you. Keep fighting, keep smiling, but do it hand in hand with your Father and the Savior so you can be gifted the strength to win the fight and so your smiles can be genuine. Not because you have no problems; but because you know through faith, diligence, and the mercy and grace of a loving Father and conquering Savior, you can have JOY.

I bear this witness to you, from the depths of my torn and bloody heart, that all wounds can be bound up and healed in the gospel and light of Jesus Christ. This is where love and peace flourish in the midst of the storm and tempest. I know this to be true, even as I am one of the most flawed of the masses. Even in, and through, and during my messes, I am still Loved.

And so are you.